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I could develop an App that would let you enter the URL of a profile and it would render it more truthfully. Likely, I would be sued. For people like my friend, I think the main power and benefit of online dating is simply being able to do something, to make contact and start the process of meeting people, regardless of how well the matching algorithms on the site work. And once you know how to translate the common deceptions, your success rate on those sites will go up exponentially!

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Translating the Language of Online Dating Sites | One Hour Translation

There are several common deceptions on online dating sites that are so familiar they might not even count as deceptions any more. The Common Deception The question is, if a deception becomes so common that you recognise it instantly and know exactly what it really means, is it still a deception?

The more truthful approach is to admit that we all have different standards of beauty and can agree to disagree. Cuddling is very unlikely, although squashing is a distinct possibility. Well, two out of three's not bad. She's certainly big and female.

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But it's doubtful many beholders will consider her beautiful. Cancel a date with this girl and you'll come home to find your car has been keyed and all the sleeves have been cut off your shirts. She's got views on everything and she's not afraid to ram them forcefully down your throat.

If a woman is selling her personality, then her face looks good in a paper bag. Welcome to a world of slamming doors, smashed crockery and huffy silences. There's more chance of winning the Lottery on a double rollover week than there is of being a woman over 35 and getting a date on the internet.

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It doesn't matter if the guy is 60, he'll still confine his searches to '35 and under', so any woman's age should be taken as a ball park figure. Shallower than a mouse's foot bath. High School Musical is her idea of high brow. Likes to start the day with a couple of Bacardi Breezers. Happy Hour is her favourite time of day. You want to paint the town red and she'll want you to paint her living room beige. Brace yourself for a world of cup-a-soups and novelty toilet roll holders. She'll have Googled you and looked you up on Friends Reunited before you even meet.

Her brain cannot process the words: Looking for a new wardrobe, jewellery and a few weekends away before she dumps you for a year-old Adonis. The censorship button in her brain doesn't work. Says whatever comes into her head. Woe betide you if you don't notice she's had her hair cut or that she's wearing new shoelaces. Everyone in online dating is 'attractive. When he's not even claiming to be attractive, it's time to worry.

Andrew Lloyd Webber will look like a Calvin Klein model next to this guy. Meeting under the cover of darkness is advised. When his ad says 'rugby player's build' he doesn't mean Jonny Wilkinson, he really means Johnny Vegas. I go on three of these internet dates a week. So unless you're a sure thing you pay for your own dinner. He can turn anything into a double entendre. On a date he'll order graphically named cocktails and talk dirty with you over the garlic bread. Normality should be a given, so run a mile from anyone selling it as a good point. The golden rule of internet dating is that anyone who feels obliged to mention they have a sense of humour is usually devoid of one.

Your date will be a riot of whoopee cushions, itching powder and fake-dogpoo-filled fun. It's safe to deduct three inches from any man claiming to be between 5ft 7 and 5ft Best not to hang around long enough to find out whether it's pre op or post op. A woman's place is in the home and, more precisely, the kitchen - preferably cooking his meals and elbow deep in his dirty shirts. He'll order for you in a restaurant and pat you on the bottom and say 'don't you worry your pretty head about it' when you ask him about his day.

Only to be pursued if you like men who moult all over your furniture. Speak slowly and clearly and always be within five minutes of a toilet.

The good news is he travels for free and gets in half-price at the cinema. The sort of person you cross the road to avoid, even if the road is the M1 in the rushhour.

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He has lofty ideas, but not a penny to his name. Expect early-bird specials on your date. The flowers come from the garage forecourt and he calls you 'babe' or 'sweetheart' because he can't remember your name.


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No comments have so far been submitted. Why not be the first to send us your thoughts, or debate this issue live on our message boards. Saturday, Jan 19th 5-Day Forecast. The dating dictionary that teaches lonely hearts how to read between the lines By Claudia Connell for MailOnline Updated: Share this article Share. Share or comment on this article: The dating dictionary that teaches lonely hearts how to read between the lines.

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