Why Is It so Hard to Date Someone with Low Self-Esteem?

Lots of small compliments often have a way of starting to take hold on someone until they may start to believe them. It is hard work sometimes living with someone with low self-esteem. For example, you may think your girlfriend is gorgeous and get sick of hearing her say how she looks awful. You think she is fishing for compliments because she surely must see that she is gorgeous. This small outburst can have a huge effect on crushing her self-esteem and cements her view that she does look awful and that you have finally told the truth she believed already.

Why Dating Someone with Low Self-Esteem Is so Hard? - EnkiRelations

Your view of your partner with low self-esteem is very different than the view they have of themselves. It can be hard to understand and accept when the evidence is often obvious to you. But, be aware that their thinking of themselves is faulty. You may think that they are attractive, fun, successful, kind, intelligent etc. They may believe some of these things too, but often there are areas where they have a completely distorted view of these things, and for them their view is real.

Accepting that their feelings and thoughts are real and valid for them is important. If you accept this, then you can be more patient and better help support them to change their thinking. Telling them they are stupid for thinking how they think, does not help, it just makes them try to hide their thinking and not be able to get help to fix it.

If your partner is telling you how they feel about themselves, then listen. You may not understand, but giving them the support by simply listening is valuable and makes them feel validated and supported. You can then offer to get some help with them or tell them that is not how you see it, but you accept that is how they feel. Make an effort to include your partner in activities with you and with friends. If they are reluctant to participate, it may be that they want to but are unsure of themselves.


  1. How to Support a Partner with Low Self-Esteem.
  2. How Low/Fluctuating Self Esteem Impairs Relationship Satisfaction?
  3. Introduction.
  4. Dating Someone with Low Self Esteem;

Be supportive and encouraging and try and get them involved. There can be a tendency to do your own thing because your partner says no to participating.

Dating Someone with Low Self-Esteem Is Hard

You have to have your own time, but be sure to include them often so they feel they are important to you and have a sense of belonging. People with low self-esteem can be very fragile and often hear a negative when there is none intended. Making a joke which seems perfectly harmless to you, can have big consequences for them.

Be aware that small things you say can take on a much bigger meaning for them. This is not to suggest that you need to weigh every word before you speak, just be aware that anything negative may hold a greater meaning to them than you intended. Your partner may seem to be overly sensitive and defensive. This is normal for someone with low self- esteem.

Self Esteem Test

They can be quick to react if they feel you are putting them down or attacking them in some way. Try and be aware that they are fragile and accept that the defensiveness is a protection for them when they are feeling vulnerable. You are not expected to be perfect and always say the right thing, but having an awareness of how you express a negative can help. Also, putting in lots of positives can really help both your partner and your relationship. Low self-esteem can be changed, but it takes work and often some outside help to get real change.

Dedicated to your stories and ideas.

If you have any questions on this article, or about low self-esteem, please feel free to contact me at I would like to buy a book for my husband to help with low self asteem as he will not seek counselling can you suggest one to buy? A good place to start is to look at self dialogue so you could perhaps look for books that give a basic overview of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy CBT which is a therapy directed at looking at our thought patterns and this in turn does address self-esteem.

I am a man with low self esteem and am engaged to a woman with low self esteem. Thanks Jay, hopefully that will help some people searching for a good book around this. Hearing from someone who is in a similar space and recommending a book is really great. This is by far the best and most accurate article I have read about the issue.

Compliments to the author. The issues discussed are bang on perfect for us and the points mentioned are really practical and helpful. Thankyou for the kind words. No I just love his work. I read his first book many years ago and used it as a guide to raise my sons. It made parenting really easy and I have teens that are balanced and healthy and a delight to raise.

I really enjoyed reading your post. I had few teardrops when I read it. I love my husband so much, so it is hard to see him crying many times due to his low self-esteem.

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Good thing that he is always open to me to share how he feels, and recently we managed to make a list of things that he feared or wished most. I realize that I would need to be strong to take care of my own feeling first before talking to him, so that I could continuously putting in lots of positives and support him with solutions. Not an easy job, I must admit. But with great care and love, I am sure it will work, I believe this. Thank you again, and please post more in the nearest future. It really is a tough place to be and can be hard work to change. But for those lucky enough to have someone who loves them supporting them through it, it can be so much easier.

I wish you both the best. Awww your comment made me had few teardrop, Anna. I know the struggles. My fiancee has low self esteem as well. My husband and I are struggling. He has low self esteem. The addition of children has caused his issue to morph into verbal and emotional abuse toward me and our 4 children. He will not invest in himself or our relationship. Work is his strength he says, and that receives his investment of time, effort and energy.

I enjoyed your article. We are all hurting. It is not uncommon for anger to be present and that makes it very hard to be sympathetic to as it seems personal and can be frightening too. Until your husband is ready to get some help or look for changes, you need to focus on you and looking after you. Try and keep some good support systems in place for yourself and remind yourself that you have no control over his feelings, only your own. I sincerely hope you can get him to see that it can be different if he wants it to. Am dating a man with low self esteem, and most articles were suggesting breaking up with him.

Did my action correct? And what should I do for the next step? Or should I just let him by himself until he opened himself to me? If your partner asks to be left alone and you believe he is genuine in wanting that, then be guided by him. If you want to be there and support him, and this is a decision just for you, then perhaps you could assure him that you want to be there for him and he just needs to let you know the best way to help.

Perhaps he just needs some reassurance from you. Thank you for this amazing post. My wife has low self esteem. She has eczema from childhood and it has left a lot of scars on her body mostly on her face, hands and feet. She can make her face look normal with makeup but not the hands as she washes them during the day. She was tutoring her students and some kids told her that her hands are ugly. She texted me and I told her that they are just kids. A relationship without trust and solid communication is most likely to fail.

People with low self-esteem will constantly have self-pity and will always look down on themselves. They have poor outlook on themselves and dating them can be tiring. For example, they will constantly ask their partners if they look good. This becomes exhausting to the other half of the relationship. Another sign that you are dating someone with low self-esteem is being in a destructive relationship.

People with low self-esteem are consciously or unconsciously passive and pessimistic; they don't know how to act and maintain a wholesome and loving relationship because they have low opinion of themselves making them prone to being abused and manipulated by other people. A happy relationship requires two fulfilled people that can give love and respect to each other.

How do you know if you are dating someone with low self-esteem? Persons with low self-esteem are idealistic. At first, they will flatter you and make you feel you are so admired. But as time passes by, their expectations will start to set in. People with low self-esteem have poor conflict management skills.

How to Support a Partner with Low Self-Esteem

They usually have difficulties in addressing problems in friendships, and intimate relationships just make conflicts more difficult to handle. And when they begin to feel the stress of conflicts, they start to become aggressive or begin to isolate themselves, making it hard to get anything settled.

People with low self-esteem may sometimes be irritating because they are constantly critical to other people. If you are dating someone with low self-esteem, check this sign out. For example, this type of person may believe that other people will only love and respect you if you are rich.

They base their self-worth in this, and will be critical if anyone, including you, does not fit this criterion. You may be attracted to them because you thought you could fix things for them or you could heal the wounds of their past. But be aware that their past hurts may have happened in their childhood and no one can ever fix them except for themselves. They can't accept constructive criticism professionally, and instead they react emotionally. They have a hard time making decisions even on small things.