Find your inner Madonna and come up with a good comeback to use on the fly with rude people and ways to stay secure in your new fling. You need to be really clear about your goals — both professional and personal — and hash it out with them. If someone is still figuring things out, it might not be time to sign a lease together, or even be totally exclusive, just yet. You might find that a younger partner does want to get serious right away or that every fight seems like the end of the world.
A younger partner might be harder to break up with because of this. Try to be as diplomatic as possible. Even if you have sage life advice to impart, know when to just STFU. Know when you can offer help and when they just want you to listen to them. Instead of fighting it, or worse, judging your new SO for their squad, soak up the fact that you both get some alone time with your respective crews.
We know we sound like a broken record, but this, too, depends on the situation. Maybe your younger mate has more sexual experience than you do. Age in relation to childbearing for her may be an issue, but Age can be an issue, but as issues go it's almost certainly not the most important one.
From her point of view, it's not how you feel now that matters, it's how you will feel in 5 or 10 years. From a 31 year-old's perspective, 23 is still an age where you're figuring out who you are. If you get to 27 and suddenly decide your life's ambition is to be a merchant marine, she doesn't want to left feeling like she invested 4 years for nothing.
You may not see yourself that way, but that doesn't prove anything. There's also the issue of relative aging. When you're 35 and she's 43, will you still be attracted to her? Idealism says yes, paranoia says probably not. I tend to think these things can work. I had a 3 year relationship with a woman 14 years older than me. The things that drove us were not age issues and we are still very good friends.
Oh, and please don't say "trial basis" because it sounds cold. The age difference isn't the problem, but your youth might be. Based on my experience: There's a LOT of growing that happens there. In 7 years, you will be an utterly different person from who you are now. She will likely be a very similar person to who she is now. This might mean that it doesn't work out, or maybe you'll be an even better fit.
Either way, no one knows the future: Completely true--if she's the one, do it; at 22 I didn't want to settle down for ten more years, and then I met my older wife and wanted to be married and have babies with her, like, yesterday. One bit of advice: That's taking it to another level that already presumes a serious commitment, makes you have to deal with more issues than you should have to right away before the relationship's cemented and she's somewhat older and likely more set in her ways and flexibility is a key to sharing a home together successfully , and might make breaking it off harder than it needs to be if it's not working out i.
The uniqueness of living in a foreign city ought to keep you pretty well together enough as it is without having to share a house together right away. Happily married 14 years with a nine year old child she had at age The only time it's an issue is when I make a pop culture reference and she doesn't get it.
I've long since stopped expecting her to catch my Simpsons quotes and she knows I'm not going to recognize any John Denver lyrics that aren't about sunshine on shoulders. As some others have said, I would be more concerned about the age you're at now. I was 27 when I got married to her. If you're a mature 23 years old and you're absolutely sure what The Rest Of Your Life means, go for it.
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The age difference is not the problem. What she is saying she feels is the problem. The breakup may take another 6 months or a year to complete, but she started it yesterday. That said, the progression of your relationship 2 weeks to serious dating! Not impossible to maintain fast, but, well, Really Fast. Check out this TED Talk by Scott Stanley called Sliding vs Deciding, and it might give you some perspective on how this relationship has unfolded so far. I'll give you a hint, she is correct that breaking up before the big travel happens is much easier than after, in many ways. I don't think the age factor is actually the main issue here for what it's worth, I've seen older-woman-younger-man relationships go both ways; one couple I know is happily married and I often forget that they are not close in age, while another couple is constantly fighting because they are obviously at very different stages in their life and do not seem to want the same things.
The main issue seems to be that you're compromising everything for this relationship she seems to be compromising nothing at all. If you truly want to make these compromises, great! But if it feels like a compromise, rather than a decision your are making happily, then odds are good that you will eventually come to resent her for "making" you change so much of your life plan.
Sure, relationships require a lot of compromise, but they also require approximately equal give and take. It doesn't sound like your relationship is equal in this regard. Plus, there is the fact that, as bilabial points out, it doesn't particularly sound like she wants to be in this relationship anyway, even if she hasn't explicitly said so. I'm 10 years younger than my wife, and the age hasn't been much of an issue besides gentle ribbing over what was popular culture when we were kids.
You start by asking about the age-difference, but then describe a whole lot of problems that exist in couples regardless of age. Put the 'age difference' in your back pocket, as a nice clean thing to blame if the relationship fails; if you want to address the real situation at hand, look at the actual issues causing you to both rethink your future plans together.
I'm Dating A Man 12 Years Younger. Here's How I Deal With Judgment - mindbodygreen
You can get over them, but if you treat it like age is the issue -- something neither of you can control -- you're not going to fix or recognize the true problems. My 28 year old cousin met and married her husband when he was 22 and they've been together for 15 years now and have three kids. So the age difference in and of itself isn't necessarily a problem.
I'm not sure "you might not be interested anymore in a few years" has to do with how she feels about you personally so much as you in the abstract. It seems totally reasonable for her to be acutely aware that women in general have a much shorter window in which men in general find them attractive. Whether she's going to continue to be anxious about it could be an issue, and it would indeed be a good idea to subject yourself to some serious and potentially painful self-examination on this subject, as Frowner suggested.
But I'm not sure she's going to be able to get over it either. Or maybe she's afraid she'll never be able to break up with you because you've invested so much. She's afraid and the only way you can reassure her is to act steadfastly as you say you will. It sounds like you want to do that but make sure you do. And make sure she actually wants you, not just a guy now that she's It's one of those internet observations that goes from being "this is sort of true a lot of the time mostly because of [SOCIAL FACTORS] and there are lots and lots of exceptions" to being "this is an iron-clad rule that derives from our biology and applies to everyone so suck it up ladies".
And the more it gets repeated as if it were an inherent truth, the more "truthful" it becomes - it acquires the force of a truth because everyone decides to believe it. Totally agree with AzraelBrown. Based on her history and beliefs, she wants an older guy because that means that there's a higher chance that he'll want to settle and is ok with settling which is not always true of course. You can try to convince her otherwise until you're blue in the face, but what she believes is what she believes.
I think the question for both of you right now is, are you at a point in your lives, and in your relationship, where you are ready to commit to each other, for life? It sounds like no, based on what you say here: She wants to settle down. For her, you're not it, and possibly, the relationship is not it. Age might be one of many reasons why she's having doubts, there might be other reasons maybe having to do with you, maybe having to do with her.
Put aside the age gap in your conversations and see where you land at the end of those discussions. We originally met when he was 18 years old and he was attending a fan club convention that I was co-hosting. At that time I remember thinking he was nice and seemed very intelligent and more mature than most year-old guys I'd known, but nevertheless I still thought of him as a "kid. Then four years after we'd first met we went together with three other friends on a trip to England for a fan club convention.
During that trip he and I often sat and talked late into the night over coffee or a few beers about stuff other than the band we both liked and it turned out that we had a lot in common. He was a pop culture junkie, like me, and remembered many of the toys and such of my youth because his older brother had them. We started dating shortly after that, even though he lived in Cincinnati and I lived in Detroit. After a few months he mentioned he was thinking about moving to Detroit to be closer to me, what did I think? To be honest, I didn't have to think twice - I was all in favor of it.
I had no hesitation, second thoughts, etc, even though Mr. Adams was two years younger than my youngest brother, the age difference no longer concerned me. Oh, and neither one of us wanted to have children, so that's another consideration. We were married in and are still extremely happy. If she's the least bit hesitant, you don't want to force her hand by moving to Beijing and making her feel obligated to marry you despite her reservations.
A cooling-off period might be best right now, giving her time to think about things and see if she ends up deciding that you ARE "the one" after all, that no one else measures up no matter what their age. Clearly, you're not a young kid with no independence, and no basis for knowing what you like. We're talking about you getting more seriously involved maybe 4 years earlier than you would otherwise do, because you've met someone you're obviously compatible with?
And, despite that fact, you're happy to compromise? Love isn't a sure bet in the future, no matter how you slice it. It's all about today. You have heard nothing here that's a compelling argument that your love is any more or less likely to last than anyone else's Oftentimes, it's for the better. And that can be the case, even if it fundamentally changes your relationship, or even leads to the two of you deciding not to spend the rest of your lives together, as a couple.
In my case, I tend to find myself in relationships with younger women more often than not.
I like adventure and new things in my life, and find that my interests are generally more compatible with those who are younger than I am anyway. My last relationship had about a ten-year age gap, but what ultimately caused it to fail after seven years was that she wanted to have kids, but didn't really want to take the steps to advance her career to help support them And so, we broke up.
But the good thing is, she is finally taking steps to advance her career and her ability to have a family. I live in the city now, and have a more artistic, cultural life, and I'm around more people I relate to. I don't regret having been with her, though. If it hadn't been for my last partner, I wouldn't be where I am right now, and wouldn't be the person that I am, living with my current partner By and large, though, I loved the time I had with my last partner, and I would've been a poorer person without it.
The simple fact is, you two have a finite amount of time on this planet, and can quite possibly make a lot of that time really, really good together So, rather than second-guessing your future and wondering whether the odds for the two of you are more or less than anyone else And if you like who you are and where you're going when you're together But I think you also have to try to identify the potential sticking points early and rationally And feeling bad about your relative ages, as if she were taking advantage of you?
That's something you need to convince her is absolutely not the case. And the way you do that is by making it very clear to her that what you two are doing is your informed choice Likewise, you may have some things you would like in life. Obviously, you're willing to move to Beijing. But you need to be sure that your personal goals and needs are being met, and that means working with her to outline, realistically, what you think those goals are. And if that means you have to travel thousands of miles or spend a couple months away from each other at a time, well And if you love each other, I think you'll be strong enough to do that, too.
It's especially important in relationships with age differences to understand that both of you need to work your own personal plans in life. Neither one of you should live in the other's shadow. So make detailed plans This is what I do with my current partner, btw, and it's been a great thing to share.
The Pros and Cons of Dating a Younger Man
We motivate each other, and both of us are advancing in our personal goals more rapidly than we would likely do apart. So, by all means And if it feels right, stay together. Just be sure to work with her on independent goals, so that neither of you lose yourselves along the way. Her being ready to settle down and you not is more of a factor than her being 31 and you being Because that "settle-down-or-not" would also be a factor if you were both 23, or you were both Some people do indeed get hinky about age differences I was in a brief almost-dating situation with someone where that was our age difference, and ultimately he couldn't shake being creeped out that I was old enough to have been his babysitter , but I think it's more the difference in "life" than it is the difference in "calendar years" in your case.
This is the salient aspect in what you wrote. She is having second thoughts about your arrival, and the reasons she states don't matter much in fact, they may not be the whole truth. This isn't the time to present all the evidence to her as to why age differences don't matter because MeFi says so.
If I were you, I'd back off. I think the age difference is fine, but the 'compromising on when to start a family' is a larger compromise than you may realize. The difference between your age now 23 and the age when you think you'd like to have a family 27 - 28 is much greater in terms of change and growth than I think 28 - 32 would be.
And starting a family as the basis for a relationship again seems like a one-sided thing. So, I think the age difference is not an issue, but the difference in goals and timing for this relationship, were you to each have the thing you expected rather than a compromise, is pretty large. This is spectacularly bad advice because the woman in question has advised that she doesn't want to live together for a while. She doesn't want you to go to her. She Doesn't trust that you are in this for the long haul. Whatever her reasons for not wanting this and for not trusting this, telling her to ignore those desires and concerns sends the clear and direct message that you don't care what she wants.
You'd be saying, "you're the woman for me! I want to spend forever with you! And it doesn't bother me in the least that you don't want to spend the next three months with me let alone forever! So I leave you with a question that I was asked as a teenager when I was bereft at the end of a relationship. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?
How much further would you like him to go? The fact is, he's bought his plane tickets. He should go there, meet with her, and the two of them should decide for themselves whether what they have should be pursued or not, at this moment. Seems to me that she's not saying "no" Pretty understandable ones, frankly.
She would like to settle down soon It's not that likely It doesn't have to be perfect right this second It can be incredibly disruptive. But for love to even have a potential to grow and develop, it helps to, say, have the people involved on the same continent together. It's not as though I have never had concerns about age differences in my relationship, which I've voiced Most often, it means that I am second-guessing my own feelings, and that I need reassurance from my partner.
I need to see that they're thinking about our relationship, are serious about the commitment and plans involved Basically, I need, in those circumstances, the kind of proof I need to realize that I am just spinning my wheels and overthinking the whole thing. If you're working your plan together day-by-day, you really don't need to worry too much about the destination, because you're going to get there.
But first, they need to decide to get their plan together, and start working it. It says nothing about a woman who has advised that she doesn't want to live together, or doesn't want a relationship. It says everything about a woman who is a good person, but who is scared of relationships -- whether they're healthy or not -- because of her own prior history. She doesn't feel safe about the future.
That's kind of hard to hear when you're the other person involved, thousands of miles away from someone you love, after not seeing them for over two months. But she does have doubts and fears. I think at minimum, he needs closure, if that's what she really wants And that needs to be done face-to-face. But really, I'd hope she'd at least consider going on a few dates first, to see if things between them really were some kind of passing fancy.
If I were the woman in question, I'd be much more direct in saying "don't come here" if that was how I was feeling, but maybe she's just nervous and wants him to visit but not expect to settle in for a long time We can't know, and I think he's received a lot of solid advice here.
I'm glad to see that they have talked about the situation, and I hope they both end up with what they need. Long distance is tough. So, see each other. Spend time having a normal, routine kind of life with her without requiring each day justify marriage or engagement. Just be with each other. This will be awful, but it will be something you will take on board in time. I can understand her reticence to commit to something this big.
My parents were 21 my father and 32 my mother when they first met. They had a relatively happy marriage for 24 years, but I do think that age played a small role in their eventual split.
I say small, because my father also has bipolar disorder and only takes his medication sporadically, and I think that was a bigger stressor than the age thing. But age was also relevant, I think, since it eventually turned out he had been having an affair for 10 years with a woman 15 years younger than my mother, and now he is happily married to her instead. Honestly, I think the biggest lesson from their experience is that every couple is different.
If it hadn't been for my father's illness, perhaps they would have been fine. I was 27, he was 54 when we got together.
It's NOT you, I'm not laughing at you at all, but when people say to me, "ooooh, skbw, should I go for a beer with him? My mother is 5 years older than my stepfather. He was 25 when they met.
- im giving up on dating.
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Dated 8 years and got married. From what I gather, he was more a typical year-old, while my mother had already been through a lot. Do what you feel like. Age is an issue, but not any worse than other stuff people overcome. As for the "hard to feel good about herself" I'm not dissing her at all, I don't know her, I don't mean to criticize What if Bill Gates was the younger man in question. Externals are what you make of them. No need for me to comment more. I'm 8 years older than my husband, and we've been happily married for 12 years.
We don't even notice the age difference any more. Everyone who knows us thinks we were made for each other. People who don't know us are always surprised when the age difference comes up, they generally think we look about the same age. I realize that may not hold true as the years pass; 46 and 38 may be different than 66 and 58, if I don't age well. But I am not too worried about it Even though we have an 8 year age difference, he and I are growing and changing together, in similar ways. In contrast, my ex-husband and I grew seriously apart over the years in spite of only having a 2-year age difference.
My cousin's grandmother was ten years older than her grandfather. They stayed married their whole lives, and I never even realized there was an age difference until my cousin told me. They were just your basic senior-citizen couple like any other. My wife is 10 years older. Before we were even dating I remember agonizing over the knowledge that if I were to go for it, it would mean total commitment. Talk about pressure even before the first kiss. At the time I was 24 and living on the opposite coast, and it felt like a roller coaster on the way up, where you start thinking, hmm, maybe this is a bad idea but when you try to turn around you're just strapped into this destiny.
So I made the leap and soon after moved to her city since she was more established in her career and found a new job, and accepted the fact that since she was older the timeframe was more compressed. So here we are married 5 years with 2 beautiful kids and yeah, I always get shit for not knowing any 80s music, and we're always working on the relationship, but the one thing I know - there are so many other things to worry about besides age difference. The thing about love, you can't rationalize your way out of it.
You can commit, or you can't. And you probably already know the answer. The age isn't really a deal breaker, IMO. I have been the "few years older" woman who broke it off in my early twenties because we weren't in the same place in life, and the "few years younger" woman who broke it off in my mid twenties because, guess what, we weren't in the same place in life either. The things I find problematic here are her fear of commitment and the fact that you are uprooting yourself for her. My experience has been that when you do these sorts of things for other people, the danger of failure, disappointment, and even resentment is rife.
I'm sure that's at least part of what she's thinking of. As far as the age thing, perhaps she is concerned that you would tire of her and want after someone your own age. It's possible, on both sides, really. You may find that you hate living permanently in Beijing or are unable to find the kind of employment that makes you happy there. You may get tired of being "settled. Success or failure stories of other people are not what the two of you need. What you both need is a plan - both as individuals and as partners. Why can't you move to Beijing, get a job, get a place or move in to hers, whatever , and take the relationship one day at a time?
I think the problem is that you two seem to be looking for something concrete when you are really still in the stage of the relationship where you're exploring and learning about each other. Another woman 8 years older than my partner here. Five years now, long distance for the first two, living together for three.
We are 31 and 39 now. I have a twelve-year-old, and one is enough. We are compatible on so many levels, and get along in an easy and when starting, immediate way. I also get to joke that I'll die before him, so he has to wait on me in the nursing home and bring me brisket and beer. The years are not the issue. Your lovely lady's doubts are the issue. I don't know if you can sway her, though. I don't know how you make it work when she thinks less of herself for being with you because of the age difference. I am not sure how you argue someone out of that.
The answers you are marking as "best" seem to be reinforcing what you want to hear rather than what you need to hear, and what she's already telling you: The age difference doesn't have much to do with it. The age difference had nothing to do with the relationship disintegrating. We met at a later point, he was 38 and I was