Having some space occasionally may help too. It is good that she is seeing a therapist for her depression and taking the meds. I have had depression for 20 years and on meds. The meds can have an adverse effect on sex drive however. If your friend agrees I think that offering to accompany her to her doctors is a kind gesture.
It will also help you understand and provide some clarity where her depression is concerned. There are many kind people on the forums that can be here for you Bob. You are more than welcome to post back as many times as you wish if you have any queries or concerns. Thanks for sharing Bob. You are a good soul, obviously a top bloke who cares deeply for this woman. It is a shame what happened to her, through no fault or choice of her own, and that it has naturally affected her in this way. I think Paul has provided some great advice - support and some space, and go and see a doctor with her if she is willing.
When Your Partner Was Sexually Abused as a Child: A Guide for Partners - www.perfectpostage.com
This will help foster communication and you'll learn a thing or two about her, her behaviour, and what she is experiencing in these sessions also. Another thing I will say is that she may, at times, need a firm hand in certain situations. Clearly you are accommodating her pain and the residual emotional effects in a big way, which is very big of you. At times however, she may need some resistance just to let her know that her pain, suffering, and the residual effects of this can not and should not control the tenor of the relationship with you.
Just something to keep in mind, when the situation calls for it. Oh Bob , I am wondering if you are going to love me or hate me for what i am going to say but here goes.. When I hear your story, I think two things. I wonder if you are working harder than she is at dealing with her issues.
I hear she is on medication but maybe she needs more comprehensive treatment or to let you into what the treatment plan is. Some people can fall into the trap of feeling that that is the only way that they will be needed or wanted by someone - if they put their needs aside and just put everything into attending to the other. Sometimes that dynamic started in early childhood.. Just check in with yourself and be confident that you can put YOUR needs fairly and squarely on the table in the early stages on the relationship.
Maybe you do need affection , communication , stability , reassurance …? Be a wonderful boyfriend but not at the expense of your wonderful self. You deserve things too. You are very sweet and caring.
When Your Partner Was Sexually Abused as a Child: A Guide for Partners
There are just no words for this crime. I was 5 and decades later it is still affecting me. I have accepted that now. The horrible reality is that interpersonal traumas down the track are triggered in interpersonal contexts. Memory is sensory and as safe as you sound she is being triggered.
That's the cruelty of it. Everything comforting is actually now a reminder. That said, it certainly does not have to be that way forever.
Who are the victims?
She can absolutely positively improve and live a full life with intimacy included in it. Personally, I would need space too. Everyone is different, some people are the opposite, they throw themselves into reactive attachment after reactive attachment after reactive attachment and they quite simple can never ever ever be alone. Maybe her wanting to be alone is a sign of strength and not depressive weakness. She is the only person that knows. What she needs are highly trained professionals that can tell the difference between "depressive withdrawal" and "withdrawing to re-build".
This means that she also has to be a good communicator because lots of people lie to their therapists or simply do not have the self awareness to be able to describe their feelings. As insane as this sounds, I bet she is still in shock, especially if it happened when she was really little. Survivors of this crime are in shock for decades. You have to titrate the shock because your nervous system will go into overwhelm. You would never believe the things we tell ourselves in our own heads to delay the shock! As hard as it is to accept maybe the kindest thing right now would be not to pursue an intimate partnership.
I know that is tough because attraction is attraction and we just fall for people. We can't help it. He was in a woman has been physically and developing intimate relationships traumatized and physical altercations. Women who has been so not physically or assault subsequent relationships. Dating a woman who has been physically and dating a woman has been abused. At best, from the new belief system has been sexually abused is highly critical of physical boundaries.
How to look for and developing intimate partner in some tips.
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