Besides the fact that so much negativity can manifest itself in various physical ways, it does you absolutely NO good — people are intuitive and they can sense when someone has no confidence. First, as others have recommended, exercise. Exercise is always a good thing. It builds confidence, it improves body image, it make you feel better physically and mentally. Second, figure out a good target weight — or more properly, a good target size, and get there.

Your body is changeable, and you can reach the size you want. Again, you know this. Third, make sure your attire suits you. This also builds confidence and, aside from some cost which can be minimal, it has no downside.


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You cannot possibly exercise, get into a good shape and weight, dress well, and not feel at least better. Next, if you truly are just screwed genetically, fix those things that seem most fixable. I am not an advocate of plastic surgery in most cases, but if what stands between you and happiness is a nose, or your teeth, or whatever, then… fix them.

What It's Like To Date As A 30-Something Virgin

As soon as you are ok with the way you look, you will find that guys will be attracted to you. Not all men, everywhere, but enough men, and not just strange ones on buses and at conventions. WatersEdge March 1, , 2: There are so many things about our appearances that are within our control, that genetics only plays a part in the final outcome of how we look. And even if Alli or the LW were repulsively ugly, which I doubt, there are plenty of men who are also less attractive than average. There is no such thing as undateable.

DesiDad December 2, , 1: Did you seek out some shy, possibly less-than-hot guy who was staying close to the wall at some event, not really able to work up the nerve to barge in and talk to the girls? You could be doing BOTH of you a huge favor! Go to a bar or club in an area where nobody knows you, with a couple of close girlfriends.

Ask them what you could change about you to attract more invitations to dates. Alli, I have a coworker who is in her mid thirties and has never dated, who is still a virgin. She feels pretty much the same way about it as you do, I absolutely can see where you are coming from. She is overweight and I do think that adds a lot to her stress. I think she is beautiful, and fucking hilarious, and a wonderful person. If I was a lesbian I would date her because I truly believe she is worthy and deserving of love.

I have a feeling you are the same way. I never realized it until I chatted on a dating site recently with a really depressed guy looking for a girlfriend, but the slightest hint of low expectations or negativity is so easy to pick up. Encouraged November 23, , 4: I can relate to this post. This is very much my life as I am almost years old and have never had a boyfriend and have been on one date and I had to ask him out. I will be honest. Weight is an issue and I was constantly criticized as a child and told no man would want me for being fat. I have a VERY critical family.

Relationship Advice: I’m 30 And Have Never Had A Date!

I seem to really get the brunt of it from all angles. I still feel really insecure about, well, me. I also find myself single in the land of the married. I have a kick ass career that requires me to be people oriented. I am an African-American female living in place that is predominately Caucasian. Needless to say, I am at the bottom of the barrel when it comes to standards of beauty.

And speaking of stats, studies show that most men would rather date any race other than a black women, even if they are a black man. Well folks, this is my everyday reality. So while I feel more hopeful about my weight, I feel very helpless about my social situation. DesiDad December 2, , 2: I am 45 and have never dated anyone. I have met guys via Internet, in person and otherwise. Some of this was the result of not willing to compromise on Christian values but other than that I am totally disappointed that I do not really appeal to guys.

If I meet someone I am interested in, I pursue them and not the other way around. I am at a totally hopeless state now and at the point of just going out with anybody for whatever reason. The signal that she wants to date is not coming across. Smile, make eye contact, ask for help with something then smile and say thank you. Exercise- even if your weight is perfect, it will get you in tune with your body and make you feel more confident and sexy.

Check out your clothes. Are they clean, ironed? Do they flatter your figure? Guys are visual creatures- are your clothes girly? I like your point about girly clothes. It may not translate into the same outfit for every woman, but feminine details on clothing do seem to make women more approachable for men.

Skyblossom March 1, , The clothes definitely matter. Men are very visually oriented and women dress to take advantage of that fact. I think flirty clothes are a statement and an invitation. Especially one devoted to the body language of dating or sexual chemistry. If you search Amazon. Besides, these books are just plain fun to read. Margblogger March 1, , It may have taken 26 years of not having a clue, but at least I finally pulled my head out of my you-know-what and put forth some effort. I think the LW probably has a lot going for herself and will find the right guy.

Get back online and practice your body language and flirting, go on some practice dates with guys you may not totally be into, just to get a few under your belt and deal with the nerousness. Best of luck to you! Jules March 3, , 9: I went through a period in my early-mid twenties where I forgot how to flirt. Heather Girl March 1, , THEY spend a lot of time stressing too, so it not only saves them the trouble but immediately gives them an ego boost. If you know someone really cool and laid back, I bet he would love for you to ask him for coffee or drinks!

ArtsyGirl March 1, , LW — Also there is always a chance to expand your attempts to meet single guys. I suggest an inter mural sports team if you are athletic or maybe see if any local bars do trivia nights if that is more your bag. Even dog parks are great ways to meet new people who might share a common interest with you. I have a number of GFs who have a hard time meeting guys and it normally stems from some key behaviors: As Wendy said- if there is a guy out there you already like, ask him out!


  • Dating a 48 year old bachelor.
  • “I’m 30 And Have Never Had A Date!”!
  • .
  • It is the 21st century and it is perfectly acceptable for the woman to be the aggressor in the relationship. I would also not broadcast your lack of relationship experience too early into any potential relationship. Anyone else thoughts about this? Also, your first post was what I was trying to get at, too — expanding your social activities is key to meeting more people. TheGirl March 1, , I have to agree with Wendy. There is clearly something seriously wrong with your perceptions.

    It got him into some trouble before we got together. Luckily for him, I made the first move and took care of that problem. How much are you truly putting yourself out there? Most days I just feel like going home, eating dinner, relaxing, etc. I would suggest joining some groups or signing up for activities that you personally enjoy doing — a painting class, a book club, the alumni association of your college, a rockclimbing group, whatever you enjoy doing!

    This is exactly how I met my current boyfriend — we were in the same group that traveled abroad a few years back, and we were both there because we had a sincere interest in art, history, and culture. It certainly helps to get the ball rolling, and to meet people with whom you can share certain interests and activities in the future! I wish you lots of good luck!! Should they just accept their fate?

    It depends what makes them happiest. They should do that. Some people really are unattractive to the other sex. Lots of women have friends like this: It makes them honest. Herself the Elf March 7, , 8: I have lots of guy friends, just never had a date. I know who I am, I know my own life. In addition to all the great advice above, you might also want to consider getting involved in an online community with male and female members.

    My dad is autistic and has trouble interacting with people in person sometimes, but he has made friends through his favorite guitar forum. Kristina March 1, , I feel like the LW is unapproachable when men come up to her, and oblivious to the fact that they might be flirting with her. Maybe she should be the one to ask men out on dates? Get a friend to set her up for a double date? I am sure she is a lovely person, she just needs to believe it about herself! To tell the truth, I was interested, but not interested enough. Friends told me that I was confident and straightforward enough not flirty that I gave off the vibe that I was already taken or not interested.

    Just meeting for coffee, happy hour, etc, and trying to make a good first impression. It changed my life. My experience is maybe similar? Definitely less extreme, but I do think there are some common threads. I did not have one, single date in high school, and I assumed that I was undateable. I am not unattractive, I am smart and funny, but I am shy.

    OR that is what I thought when I was in high school.

    I have since realized that I was isolating myself. I was the cause. I had female friends, but only one boy ever asked me out and he not kidding at all had recently pinned a girl against the wall and threatened to kill her! I blamed others for passing me by, but I had essentially pulled myself out of the running before they had a chance to consider me. We have been together for a few years, and he and I agree that we will not be needing to date anyone else, ever. I guess what this story boils down to is a piece of advice: Take a class, join or start a club or meet-up group, just do something new.

    I had the same dating experience as you! Sorry I have nothing useful to add. I had makeout partners in high school and guy friends I spent time with in college but an actual romantic and physical relationship has eluded me. I did not spend my 20s going to bars or parties never been to a party actually and the friends I made in college have all been reduced to Facebook statuses. I am comfortable with my life as it is although I am still working on my career path and aim to achieve more success with that.

    Yet I found myself wondering what was wrong with me because there is this total disconnect I experience from my peers — they are excited about having babies and getting married and it all seems so foreign to me. I am incredibly shy by nature and have a moral code that I upheld others towards but I realized through trial and error that I would never make new friends or experience love if I held people to high standards. I think LW is on the right track with seeing all the wonderful qualities about herself but she needs to take that and develop some confidence and change her surroundings a bit.

    In meeting new people and experiencing new things, she should gain a more complete view of herself and that confidence will be so attractive. I have a hard time being around people who drink — I find alcohol to be so disgusting and I completely shut out people who partook in drinking. It took me awhile to realize that I was judging people for not agreeing with my lifestyle and denying myself the opportunity to get close to them.

    Just a shame I realized this so late in the game — I feel like I missed out on my 20s so I can relate to LW being 30 and never having gone on a date. Anastasiachs March 1, , 7: Do you cross your arms a lot? Jshizzle March 2, , 9: I love that even your profs commented on this. I will say to the letter writer that a lot of people end up in relationships just for the sake of being in one, ignoring huge warning signs, etc.

    SpyGlassez March 1, , 8: I was a 28 year-old woman, had never dated, had not had anyone interested in dating me ever, and was fine with that. I had and still have an awesome best female friend with whom I travel, wrote, got a masters degree, got a cat…. I met my boyfriend by surprise; he was enrolled in the community college course I taught. FWIW, aside from the fact that he always laughed at my corny jokes, I was not initially attracted to him.

    Actually, it took most of the semester for me to get the names of everyone in my class straight, his included. I guess what I am trying to say is, just live your life to the fullest. As to therapy, I have been through it before for other reasons and I do believe it has helped me in many aspects of my life. I am certain that when I was more shy that I missed flirting but now when it is actual flirting I can pick it up. I have been working on body language over the last several years and it turns out I have been doing the right things.

    Also, I would hate to lose the friendship. Wendy, if you could pop back in on this one…. Wendy March 2, , 7: Old Fashioned the opportunity to doing the asking out if it important to him. KateHC March 1, , I was undateable in high school. I got to college, met a guy, who was terrible and I should have known better and dated. I continued dating guys who were looking for a meal ticket or crash space. I should have valued myself more. The people I dated, ended up treating me like garbage and tossing me away like it, too. And that unhappiness was the total root of my…unattractiveness.

    Not only did my marriage turn around, but now apparently I am totally The Sexy Bombshell amongst my circles. Skyblossom March 2, , HmC March 2, , 3: Everyone thinks they are smart, attractive, and funny. Everyone describes themselves the same wonderful! It seems to come down to how we define those qualities that makes us different. Stilgar March 2, , 3: I am in the exact same situation!

    The boys in highschool were too icky and even though I went out alot in university, there were no connections made. Currently I work from home and I love living by myself. But I completely understand about guys not hitting on you. Or I get old men hitting on me. So LW, I definitely sympathize. Melissa March 4, , Who knows who could be out there waiting for her! I made the first move via a dating site to my boyfriend and he is the love of my life.

    Not having dated is different from some intrinsic quality that renders dating impossible. Not only are most people realistic and willing to date around their own level of attractiveness, but people have different tastes. Lots of the comments talked about being fat… most Americans are overweight! And some people are into it, as evidenced by BBW sites. If my uncle can find someone, I think anyone can.

    When he met his wife, he had no career to speak of, looked 8 months pregnant, had a mullet, had maybe half a dozen teeth, and had the most atrocious facial hair I have ever seen. But now he is married to a very nice woman. I am 32 next month, female virgin and like the OP have never been asked on a single date nor had a bf in my life. I am not a lesbian either. I see other women getting asked on dates and boyfriends, etc. It is very frustrating. I beleive I might have aspergers but my therapist says I do not. I have mostly resigned myself to the idea that I waited too late to start these types of things and now no one wants me.

    Whether I like it or not I am going to die a virgin. I forgot to add: Jenn28 June 28, , 2: Men seem to hate me and r jealous of me where I live. Losers idiots who only want sex and weird people. Its true that a pretty woman can go on for years not being hit on. Very beautiful and men r terrified of me and just make fun of me or pcik on me. There r many amazing women out there who r single and it makes no sense. JK June 28, , 2: Michael January 18, , 8: Hope you find someone. I felt that way for years, but I got over it. With cancer I learned to let go of many things.

    One girl I really wanted years ago died from breast cancer at age So—it could be worse my friend. If where you are is so hostile, move away if possible. What kind of offers she gets depends a lot on how she treats people who come along.

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