Residents get minimal flexibility with their schedules. Switches require planning and massive amounts of bargaining. The majority of the time, the doctor has to give up holidays or multiple weekends to get a specific night off. Residents are allowed approximately four weeks of vacation in a scheduled year. This time is used to catch up on their own medical appointments, reconnect with family and friends that have been neglected, and more importantly - sleep!
Just recently started dating a doctor and want to take a romantic tropical vacation together? You might just have to wait until the next schedule comes around. Vacations are requested almost a year in advance. But it's not that simple. Doctors used to marry nurses -- it was a more common practice in previous generations. They have crazy hours Typically, nurses enter into relationships with first year interns or residents. Residents second and third years are on call every fourth night. Coworkers feel invested in these relationships and need details. It's impossible to leave work at work It's hard enough for most people to leave work out of dinner conversations.
Generally, weddings and births will take priority over other planned events. Well, for me I'd take issue with the refusal to be a gentleman. It's like saying I know how to treat you respectfully buuutt I don't feel like it.
- Letter to a young doctor’s girlfriend.
I look at my single male doctor colleagues and some of them are sweet and honestly looking for a connection. And some of them are selfish and fully aware that as a doctor they can pull in hot females, many of whom will put up with being treated poorly. And those women are very replaceable to them. If he says he wants to keep things casual, head for the hills - he's the latter and he doesn't appreciate you. I'm the overly busy person.
It's been really, really hard for my fiancee, and I don't think he would be my fiancee if I was this busy when we had met. It sounds like you two haven't gotten exceptionally close and that it wouldn't be too hard on either of you to jump ship and move on. Honestly, he probably is giving you as much of his free time as he can,and can't give you any more.
2. You get the looks, gossip, and questions
I have been on both sides of this situation, and I know how much it sucks to feel like you're doing everything you can to make it as easy and convenient as possible for the other person to spend time with you, but theyre still not seeing you all that much, and you think they should be able to give you a little more. Well, sometimes they cant. I know how much it hurts, and it makes you feel unwanted.
I learned that you have to weigh thes things out--is it someone you care enough about to wait for? It sounds like you dont even know this guy well enough to answer that question but I could be wrong. It seems like you havent had enough time to get to know him, and honestly you wont for a while. It requires a special kind of patience, and I think that the phrase "absence makes the heart grow fonder" has to be something you can relate to. It sounds like you unfortunately ran into this guy at the wrong point in life.
It's up to you to decide whether or not this is someone worth waiting for. Do you see yourself marrying this person if marriage is something you are interested in for the future? Do you see yourself being with him for many years? Are you ok with waiting for that? He will eventually have more time for you, but right now he is likely giving you all the time that he can, even though it is very little. Unfortunately, I can't answer the questions about marrying him etc.
But the reason I don't know him well enough is because we don't spend enough time together, or I feel like he's not really "letting me in" to get close to him.
It's like a catch or something. However, from what I have seen he has all of the qualities I want from someone long-term. I really like him, and I think we fit together well with personality, values, and life goals. If he is the right person for me, then I would wait and deal with the busy schedule in the meantime. But I can't figure out whether or not we will ever get to that stage with the current situation and I'm scared of wasting my time waiting for things to get better.
Do you think I need to have some sort of commitment from him before I can make that decision? Also, what do you and your fiancee do to deal with the busyness? I mentioned in another post that I am okay with us not seeing each other all the time. I am very active with my work, social life, and activities and independent. But I wish he would call or text me or maybe make a sweet gesture every once in awhile.
It just seems like I'm never on his mind unless I'm physically in front of him, and then he's sweet as can be. Whereas I think of him all the time. Do people that are that busy honestly not have time to even think about their SO?
Or does this sound more like a conscious choice he's making not to get invested in this? Feel free to see some of them as rhetorical. I am just starting to get a little panicky and upset about this the more I think about it. I think it's very helpful that I wasn't nearly as busy for most of our relationship thus farwe got engaged before I got absurdly busy and so it's not like we weren't extremely close. There is rarely minute that goes by where I am not thinking about him in some way. I am thinking about him pretty much all the time. However, that doesn't mean I am in a situation where I can call or text or anything.
I do try to send little texts or call when I have time but not as much as he'd like. If I were to signal him everytime I thought about him, I'd be on the phone with him almost all of my waking hours. If I'm focused on something like reading a textbook, or working on some problem then I might still think of him vaguely but I'm not going to whip out my phone or go and see himI'm busy.
But I'm still thinking about him. Or, if I'm at work, even though I'm constantly busy, even if I wasn't, I can't just pull my phone out and call--i'm at work. Or, I might be in class. Medical school and residency is really intense, and I think it's pretty common for doctors to get married a little later in life than the average couple. Also, don't forget, some people just arent very good at conveying emotions. I think you need to sit down and have a conversation with him about all of this, because that's truly the only way to get to the bottom of it and make a decision for yourself.
Some people really can't wait, others can, and there is nothing wrong with either of those. You have to choose what's right for you, but you have to figure it out! You might need more than he can give. That's okay, but it means your not a match. But this phase isn't going to be short.
If this is his first year, I believe he has at least two more years, possibly as many as four or five. I'm surprised you don't seem to know how long his residency will last. There is a difference between commitment and time together. You can be very committed to someone but only be able to fit them in the limited free time you have. You can have all the time in the world and not be committed.
I know how long his residency lasts. What I meant was I'm wondering if it will get noticeably easier in terms of his schedule in the next few years and right after he finishes, or if it will always feel like this when it comes to being with someone in his profession. That's why I was hoping to hear from someone dating or married to a doctor.
Most of the doctors I know are either way older and in private practices where they can set their schedules a bit OR they're my age and still going crazy with residency hours.
Letter to a young doctor’s girlfriend
I'm trying to figure out what I'm getting into in the coming years if I stick around. I get looking ahead, but it seems like you are very unhappy with the way things are now. There is a difference between "I wouldn't want to be with someone who worked these hours forever" and "I am really unhappy and will be unhappy for the next three years. Everyone seems to be supporting the idea that he is just too busy, but the truth is we over the internet can't judge his intent. This is really a conversation you need to have with him. Ask him if he's not seeing you to not commit. We can't tell you that.
It's the 1 issue in our relationship.. It's an issue I just have to live with if I want to be with him, and I do, so I live with it. But a recommendation to somebody who isn't in love yet and doesn't have to live with it What are the biggest problems that occur because of the time issues And how are you dealing with this as a couple? Do you schedule time in to talk and see each other?
Are there things you've had to compromise on to mutually make it work? If you decide to stay. Find some small proxy act of affection that can be done regularly to say that he cares about you, and that can be kept sacred as a stand-in for everything else that's missed. If a direct contact is simply not possible given the residency schedule, then how about a bedtime phone call? It might be just a few seconds, depending, but evidence that he's thinking of you? If you can't deliver it in person, put in an envelope and mail it to me! All this actually needs is some stamps, pre-printed envelopes, and a few seconds to dash off a note, kiss the paper, and drop it in a mailbox.
Easily found in most hospital lobbies. And it can be done any time during the day, so scheduling is easy. But I could make it very romantic indeed. I could draw some flip-art of a kiss on some post-it notes and send one a day. I could get a small jigsaw puzzle and send those pieces once a day. Perhaps with a note written on the back. Make up stories about being a soldier at war or a sailor at sea keeping me away from my love. Find things that will make good memories in years to come.
We only live ten minutes from each other and he's probably too scatter-brained to remember to mail a kiss every day haha, but cute idea for LDRs! From someone else in the medical field - a nightly phone call would be seriously draining, even if it only lasted a few minutes. I can handle a lot of daily mindless, nonverbal things, like cuddling for a bit before bed, but phone calls and even texting can be exhausting in a way that is very difficult to explain.
Please don't take it the wrong way if he says that a few minutes on the phone is more than he can handle. I can see how it would be easy to think wow, I'm not even worth 3 minutes of conversation and I don't want you to feel that way! I hope you can make this work out. While I miss talking to him, I also would prefer the nonverbal stuff sometimes too. But I don't want to put any more demands on his time, which is why I thought maybe asking for quick phone call on his drive home might help.
Then we can at least cuddle and go to bed together. Do you think that is too draining too? When you come home do you just want to be alone? Also, I'm having a really hard time understanding from these responses how anyone in the medical field ever dates or gets married. I mean lots of his friends from residency have girlfriends or wives and make it work. So do you just never give anything back to SOs in terms of time or small gestures? Is it just the expectation that the SOs of people in these fields are on the backburner?
Or do you just push through the exhaustion because you care about the person and do things to make them happy even when you don't always feel like it? With me it's less about taking my time and more about the mental drain. I am totally okay with anything that doesn't place physical or mental demands on me. When I come home, I don't necessarily want to be alone, I just need to do things that will calm or recharge me instead of things that will tire me out more. What you described, just being in each other's presence, sounds perfect.
And to clarify, what I mean by physical demand is something that requires energy I don't have, like having sex or going for a walk. Cuddling is not demanding. And I'll disagree with the other person who responded to your comment. For an example of what this means - say you get hurt in a car accident. If I'm serving tables at a restaurant, I'm going to tell my boss that she's got to cover for me because there's an emergency and I'm leaving. But at the hospital, I'm helping the other guy who was injured when his car wrecked six hours ago, and I can't just bail.
If you really need me, you better believe I'm going to be scrambling to find others to cover my patients so I can leave, but it's going to take some time to get things straight at work first. If you're just shaken up and in need of a few stitches and work is busy, that means instead of rushing to your side immediately I might wait until my shift ends before showing up with takeout and flowers to look after you.
But I'm still going to show up, even if it means I lose an hour or two of sleep. There's a different kind of balance, but that doesn't mean that there's no balance. Of course I have time for my SOs, of course I give of myself to them. It's just that on days I'm working, I can't do that.
6 Reasons Nurses Shouldn't Date Doctors
Yes, those of us in the hospital work longer and harder days than most people with 9 to 5s, but we still have off days. Your man is becoming a doctor, and while he's still a resident carving his way into the field, his off days will be few and far between. One big question is, does he make you a priority when he has the time to be able to make something other than work a priority? If so that's a good sign. And when he's working, you should be able to connect somehow.
Who knows, maybe a little lighthearted texting is just the 5 minute break he needs. Or maybe he's like me and would rather just collapse into bed with you when he gets home. If you talk to him about it, and he cares about your relationship enough, the two of you will probably be able to find something that works for both of you. I realize I rambled a bit and may not have answered all your questions; feel free to ask anything else you want to know. Hopefully this helped a little bit.
Edit - I just read through some of your other comments. Not leaving 5 minutes early to drop you off - 15 minutes could get problematic, but five?? This could possibly be worked out with some communication; perhaps he just hasn't given it enough thought to realize how shitty it is It's very inconsiderate of him. To answer your question: Even when he does, everything is on his terms.
That question really put things into perspective for me, so thank you. I'll give him a chance to fix it by talking to him about it, but the more that I think about how he has treated me the more I just feel ready to check out of the whole situation. It's just not worth it to constantly be stressing over this and feeling dissatisfied with the way things are after we've been dating for this long.
Oh well, at least now I know. Thanks again for the help. Hello, my boyfriend is in his second year of residency for Emergency Medicine, and we live together. Dating a resident is hard - it was hard to realize that I can't come first, or even second, in this relationship right now. In order for him to survive his residency much less thrive in it , the hospital has to come first, he has to come second, and I come in at third place.
He usually doesn't have time during shifts to grab food, and after shifts, he comes home and crashes. Count yourself lucky that your boyfriend is able to even consider going to parties with you even if you don't ultimately make it to them! Even though we live together, we barely see each other - when he is working nights, we go several days without seeing each other at all he is usually still at work when I head out in the morning, and gone by the time I get back in the evenings.
Though being with a resident is hard, it can be totally worth it if you're committed to the person and you know that they are committed to you - you just have to realize that commitment will look different coming from them. Your post could have been written by me, in August. I started dating "A" right after he graduated med school and as he started his residency. Now let me be shamefully honest: Also, I'll admit, dating a doctor was kind of exciting. He was funny, family-oriented, obviously very smart, etc.
I wanted very much to make it work with us, and was willing to compromise in areas that I normally wouldn't. Eventually I started feeling the way that you do, though.
- 1. They have crazy hours.
- 6 Reasons Nurses Shouldn't Date Doctors.
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I felt like I was 'on call' for when he would be available to see me. At first it didn't bother me, but after a while I started feeling more like a booty call and less like a SO.