I think of him as someone who's been through a lot and taken control of his life, which I respect. Thanks for all of your replies. He's past his "year" benchmark, which is why he started to date, for the record. I'm just going to go with it. He's not preachy, is very funny, seems kind, and we have tons in common in terms of interests. He's also incredibly attractive I guess that trumps all! OP, I dated someone for a few years that was a recovering alcoholic. He was and is a fabulous person.
He never ever preached to me. He had been addicted to drugs and alcohol for 12 yrs straight. He was a pharmacist and used every single day of those 12 yrs. He went to rehab many times over the years. WHen I met him he had been sober a little over 2 yrs. He hasn't used in over 10 yrs. I was the person who messed up our relationship. He made me a better person because he had already worked through his problems and just wanted to live a good life. Give him a chance. My experience has been, it depends on what kind of recovery process they go through.
I was in a long relationship with a man that was 12 years sober when I met him and he had no issue with me drinking or partying, except he thought I was spending too much money on it all. From what he and his long term friends told me about his drinking days, this guy was DEEP into drinking and drugs. Like waking up and not knowing where he was and how he got there sort of thing.
He got clean totally on his own, no AA, no therapy. I also dated a guy that was in AA albeit briefly. That he was in recovery became his whole focus in life.
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He was forever saying things by starting, "as a recovering alcoholic I feel He leads an unhealthy life! It's too soon for him to be dating. A year of sobriety is not enough time for the healing process compared with years of addiction nor deal with his emotional issues. So many recovering addicts have the mistaken conception that they are more noble than the rest of us.
Caution is in order, OP. Early recovery and a year is early can be filled with pitfalls for the addict and you don't want his problems to become your problems. I dated a man for almost 3 years long distance We had met in high school and then re-connected after he became legally separated from his wife 18 years later. We wanted to first see each other as much as we could, but slowly his AA life started to become his main focus and we were not as much of a priority.
It felt like he was addicted to AA instead of drinking. He also chewed tobacco and refused to go to the dentist because he knew he'd have to get surgery--always saying he wasn't ready to quit chewing even though he knew it was bad for him. He could never plan ahead or use a calendar--he mainly focused on one day at a time as someone in AA had recommended to him. He lost 3 jobs during the time we dated which he said was never his fault. He was very self-focused and jokingly admitted that it was, "all about him.
In the 3 years we were together, he devoutly hated his ex and wanted nothing to do with her ever again He was always a very funny and very caring man He said when he was a drinker he hid his over-drinking so well from many of his friends and family that they never knew he had a problem. He seemed to gush over his 2 cats that I ended up adopting more than he would gush over me unless we were being intimate.
I was blissfully and stupidly head over heels in love with him and wanted a future together. He would talk about us getting married, moving in together, talked about planning our big day, but he never wanted to commit to a timeline or a goal even though we were both nearing 40 and both wanted to have kind in our future.
After a death in the family, we planned for a trip together for me to see my extended family and I talked about how excited I was for him to get to meet them. I payed for us to have a day at Disney in both parks and in fact I financed most of the trip. It was our first week-long trip together.
'Alcoholics Anonymous saved my life, but now I’ve lost my faith' | Society | The Guardian
After returning I was still so in love with him and talked to him about moving to the same town so we could be together more. He said it was something to talk about but that we shouldn't be in a rush. Almost 3 weeks later, he ended our relationship over the phone after yelling at me for making plans for him when I invited him to join me on a date night with friends during a visit I had planned out 2 weeks in advance--having to trade shifts with multiple co-workers and also fitting in plans with family.
I was, and still am heart-broken, devastated, and confused wondering how he could just throw away our relationship and give up on us after talking about having a future together.
All I wanted was for us to be build a life together while it seemed he was more focused on his AA program commitments. Although he said he still loved me, it still doesn't make sense to this day--that after 3 years of going out of my way to be patient, understanding, non-judgmental, loving and supportive and wanting to be married I feel like his focus on AA while a seemingly positive and helpful program , led him away from having a healthy relationship. He never even knew what he lost out on while trying to focus so much on himself instead of trying to also work on maintaining a new balanced lifestyle.
Unfortunately it may only be a dream. R25, get a blog and get a shrink. You think your story make you look like a martyr, it actually makes you look like a clingy moron, trying to buy a boyfriend. OP, one year out of addiction is probably too soon. Recovery takes a lot of work and ruthless focus on himself and his problems. It's probably not a good time to date him. If you choose to continue, just be aware and be careful. Agree with R26, R Seems obvious that he decided you weren't for him after you spent a whole week vacation together.
If someone is in recovery, "living in the solution," they probably have more of their shit worked out than the average person. They know what they want and what they don't want. They've amassed support in life for what they want to accomplish, etc. They are monitoring their behaviour. I mean there are a lot of people who never admit their addictions or get help so AA or any other step fellowship isn't necessarily a deal breaker. A lot of people in recovery do talk about how they've hurt and disappointed others, etc. At one point, I think it's Step 8, they have to make amends.
I would be interested in them, in their story, particularly when they hit rock bottom and how many casualties there were.
You have some right to know that. It's not like their recovery is some side point, OP. For them it is primary. I don't think you can have a relationship with him and not be involved. It's not just his issue. It will become yours. But it doesn't mean he's any worse than anybody else or unfit for a relationship. Like I said, he's probably very aware of his own issues and tendencies, unlike a lot of other people. It's not very supportive to be drinking around him, making him go to bars or having alcohol in the house. I mean, think about it.
Go for it, OP. The non drinkers I know are a lot more fun and dependable than the party crowd. I have several friends who, either through aa or SMART Recovery, or on their own, are much healthier mentally, than they were when drinking. There is nothing in R25's post to suggest she's a moron. She's just love sick and accommodated this man beyond reason and expected some reward for that. Instead, she accelerated the end of that relationship. R25, we see through your story and you do have some problems for which you should seek some help and support - but only because it will make your life more satisfying and you will be far more likely to start and maintain a more productive relationship.
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You just need some perspective on yourself and what you're doing. But that's no reason to allow yourself to be disrespected and R26 has their own problems. There is a spiritual side to addiction - they are totally selfish it's all about them! He lied about everything!! Said he was sober but lied! Addicts have mental problems that don't go away when they are sober. They don't see reality, live in fantasy worlds, moody, go from depression to arrogance- RUN!!! I have two friends who are recovered alcoholics, both sober over a decade. They both told me they used alcohol to control anxieties.
They still have a lot of anxiety, it would be exhausting to deal with on a daily basis. I feel for them, they are great guys but they would wear me out if I had to spend much time with them. Btw, if you're nearing 40, you should strongly consider the fact that you probably won't have kids [or any more kids]. It's a biological fact. What a bunch of gin soaked pricks there are on here.
The next AA? Welcome to Moderation Management, where abstinence from alcohol isn't the answer
Give the guy a chance. As someone else said, it's better to date someone in recovery than a practicing alcoholic. The few people I know in recovery are not preachy. I used to go to the bars with one years ago and he would drink pop. He went cold turkey and said he was " just done with drinking". He used to be a blackout drunk and I would always be getting him out of trouble. The other went to AA and when asked his opinion about someone else's drinking, he would say it wasn't up to him to judge.
I've been sober for six years thanks to a secular recovery group called LifeRing and a lot of therapy. I wouldn't date someone newly sober or someone in AA. In my experience AA is a cult and you are simply replacing one addiction with another. Addiction is a fear of life and usually rooted in trauma. Until you unearth and deal with those issues you are still sick. R25 My situation is totally different, but my emotions are very much the same at the moment.
In some recovery circles, there is an unwritten suggestion that new romantic relationships are best avoided during the first year of sobriety. For proponents of this, the reasoning is that this is a time of great personal growth and self-work. Additionally, it is a period when sober skill building occurs, which both solidifies sobriety and allows the individual to gain skills to apply in relationships going forward.
If a newly sober person does get into a relationship too soon after getting sober, the concern is two-fold.
Without more adaptive coping skills, the individual may reenact the negative patterns of former relationships that either occurred or led to alcohol. Also, the risk of relapse may be heightened by the emotional aspects of coping with a relationship, and the demands it may make. Whether or not someone chooses to avoid relationships for a period of time in early sobriety or not, certain aspects of dating a recovering alcoholic remain. It loosens us up.
It releases endorphins, making us feel confident, good-looking, and hilarious. We have to feel all those feelings without liquid courage. And herein lies the crux in some ways, of dating and socializing in a drinking culture. Wine with dinner seems like the civilized thing to do. Meeting for a drink at the bar after work or on a Friday night is seen as a great way to relax and unwind with friends.
Meeting for drinks seems like the most common first date. Unlike illicit drugs, which are illegal in most of the world, drinking is often seen as harmless and socially acceptable — but alcohol is anything but harmless. So, initially, I accepted music — something that seemed accessible to me — as my higher power. Then, more specifically, the Beatles became my deity. Eventually, I accepted God myself. From that point onwards, I was a step evangelist. I prayed every day for 14 years. And I was also sober.
Sometimes, in the more doctrinaire pockets of AA, methods other than the 12 steps are frowned upon. This has its pros and cons. There was an intense feeling of camaraderie, which is something I truly needed at the time. These were people who understood this very strange and contradictory thing about alcoholism.
Dating a Recovering Alcoholic
That is, when you have a drinking problem, you feel like the drink is the only thing holding you together. I now realise that the rush I felt from being in a room full of people in the same boat as me — the sensation of peace, of God entering in through the ceiling — was simply oxytocin the human bonding hormone triggered by the familiar rituals of the meeting. I was mistaking a chemical experience for a religious one. Then again, I was sober, I felt spiritually awakened and I was spending time in the company of loving people who understood and cared about me.
Eventually, probably inevitably, I hit a brick wall in recovery. AA was founded off the back of a s Christian revivalist movement in the United States. The AA programme makes absolutely no distinction between thoughts and feelings — a key factor in cognitive behavioural therapy , which is arguably a more up-to-date form of mental health technology.
You have no control over your life, but the higher power does. AA is still the default treatment for alcoholism in the UK, the US and many other parts of the world. Thousands of people struggle every day with this condition, tragically some even die, without ever hearing about the alternatives. During my 14 years in AA, I saw people come and go largely for two reasons: